The big, black hole....

On social networking sites and blogs, most of the time, people show the very best their lives have to offer....myself included. This is what we like to read and look at, most of the time.....but as we all know, life is not all shiny pink and glittery. Not all the time. Today is one of those days. A day when, all though I have so much to be thankful for, the sadness of what's to come is so much stronger.

I watch a Swedish TV show online called "Pa middag hos Hannah & Amanda" and at the end of this show, in each episode, they ask their guests what is their current most joy and sadness - what is their sun and what is their black hole.....

Well right now, my sun is everything about Allison! She is such a joy to be around and especially now that we both understand each other so much better. The sun is the long term view of everything happening right now. Our life together in Sweden, getting married, that I will be around my friends and family again, that we will have more time with Allison in Sweden vs. staying here (both on the short- and long term), that we bought an amazing home, that I have a great job waiting for me, that everything (so far) worked out so well with the move.

The black hole is just one thing really....but the emotions around it takes over, breaks through and it clouds my mind completely right now. Making it hard to push air in and out of my lungs..... In just a little more than a month, I will be going back to work, leaving Allison every day and it hurts like hell to even imagine it. Not the working itself....no sir! I love my job! ...but I think leaving Allison while she's still so small will be the hardest thing I've ever done. Yes in a way it is by choice. We could have stayed in Switzerland and I could have become a housewife. But that's not me....this is not what I want on the longer term and you have to be careful not to compromise yourself....and also not to change the dynamics in the relationship you're in. On the long term, this would not be good for Allison either. Riskier in a way.....
...and if we would have been staying here, I would have had to go back to work already now.

I know this is the best for us long term...this is how I most of the time think about everything....make decisions etc....I think that's important.....but today is just not a KitKat-Birthday-Caky-kind-of-day.
Today I am stuck in thinking about the short term view and I'm not liking it. Not one bit.

Good that tomorrow is a brand new day ;)

xo